I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
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In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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