I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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