He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
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Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
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I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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