U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
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My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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