Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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