If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
