I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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