if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
The air taste purple.
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