addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
