yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
