I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
