i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
