i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
