Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
