so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
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Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
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One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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