how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
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i think my cat just said my name.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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