He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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