I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
