If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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