dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
