A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
