WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
