for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
