How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
