Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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