history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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