she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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