Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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