If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
