I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you traded sex for a burrito?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
