a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
