Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
