i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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