I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
