I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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