Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize