I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
