Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
