Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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