Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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