So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
