just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
