Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
