My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
