Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
