So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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