I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
