Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
