Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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