she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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