I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
