if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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