Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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