Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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